Posts

Stage 1…Denial

 I am not sure I ever denied the fact that my daughter had died, but I did deny that she was going to die.  I felt like I had forever but those 3 years flew by.  But I spent 3 years with more hope than anyone,…which probably contributed to being in some kind of denial that the day would ever come…because I didn’t want her to die.  I always spent a lot of time with her,  I seen her daily and spoke to her and texted her 100 times a day…and when she was really sick I was taking care of two households.  She had moved into her own apartment for the first time in her life.  She was so proud,  We did a ton of DIY’s together to decorate it.  I remember wondering every time I left her apartment or if I was in there when she was in the hospital if she would return.  It made me sick to think about but that was my reality.   At the same time my son was in full blown addiction so most days I had no idea who I would bury first …or if I would lose both of my oldest children.  I carried Narcan in my p

Grieving The Living

 My journey through grief began 4 years ago on Valentine's Day, 2017.  My daughter had been ill and after a misdiagnosis and unneeded ovary removal...she was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer at the age of 27!  That Valentine's Day she went through a 10 hr colonectomy surgery that would ever change her living with any normalcy..especially and that age! Living with an ileostomy at that age is a devestating change!  But after being told she had thousands of pylops and it was a genetic defect, and already at stage 4, incurable....I was beyond devestated for my child.  I just wanted her to have no matter what adjustments she had to go through.  I was beyond lucky to be her mother, caregiver until the very end and realize how precious life is.  I spent 3 years attempting to make every moment count..no matter how big or small.  And I appreciate that greatly. But I also spent 3 years of the ups and downs of treatment, sickness and watching her die that I was already grieving for wha